The Never Nervous Guide to Farting in Louisville

If you’re like us, you want that sweet recipe for that gassy madness, the perfect storm of flavors that congeal into a living terror for those around you. Well, we’ve got you covered here at Never Nervous, from the kind of silent running toots that would make Shinobi cry to the rip snorters that would make even Andre the Giant blush (in Heaven). Buckle up buckaroos and dig into our guide to where to find the most stunning combos to lay law those around you. And never, ever, be nervous about that gaseous demon that lives in your gut. Break like the wind!

The Bluegrass Divorce
If you’re in a committed relationship, but want to sabotage that, we have you covered. This requires that you sleep in the same room, so for all you Mike Pence acolytes out there, get ready for some risqué action sleeping next to your significant other. First stop: White Castle. Whatever you get, it had goddamned well better have onions, or whatever the WC Lounge would call those vile, raunchy demon turds that they smother their melt-in-your-mouth beef. Second up, one of those giant glass boots filled to the brim with Falls City. Drink deep and drink long, my friends. Cap that off with a milkshake from Comfy Cow, preferably something that includes peanut butter and bananas for that sweet and savory breeze on the back end.

The Derby Dash
With Derby time right around the corner, you might find yourself in a situation where you can’t avoid a crowd of tourists hellbent on taking all the parking in your neighborhood or clogging that lines at your favorite watering hole. When you’re stuck in a sea of Chads and Beckys old Never Nervous here has your back, Kentucky style. First smash at least two whole hot browns, and we recommend the BBC for that. Next, drive just a little ways out of town to the nearest Pilot station and eat as many hard-boiled eggs as they have. Cap that off with two to five mint julips gulped for maximum gassage, for a musty evergreen finish to your dank cloud.

Top O’ The Morning To You
Join the staff at the Irish Rover for an odorous adventure in rank air. Start off with a brisk round of Scotch Eggs and make sure to dunk them in mustard. Next up is the lamb stuff cabbage, which is great going in, I have to tell you. Take a moment to vape outside, dealer’s choice on flavors but we recommend something like Cap’n Crunch flavored, and make sure to wash that down with the a copious blend of Fullers ESB and Smithwick’s Irish Ale, for that extra carbonated race to the finish line.

The South Will Rise Again
At the outer edge of Jefferson County lies one of its best restaurants. This isn’t a history article, but I’d be willing to bet that Mike Linig’s came with the city, feeding droves of aunts and uncles for decades. It’s a killer place with an incredible vibe, family friendly, and on the right day you catch the perfect breeze gently rolling in off the Ohio, just a few hundred yards away. Generate your own breeze with a heaping helping of their onion rings, hush puppies, and spicy fried pickles before you dig into an enormous plate of catfish. Cap it off with a bucket of Coors Light and swing by PRP’s Ice Cream Corner on the way out for a milkshake!

The Hot Surprise
No guide to the heat your hiding would be complete without getting mad spicy, and Joella’s has you covered. Order a half-white chicken at spice level fire-in-da-hole, which comes with that one-two punch of being dry and hot as balls. Cool off a little with a Cock-a-doodle-brew, while you hammer down on some sweet sides like kale salad and broccoli slaw, since you want to keep that figure after all. Swing by Walgreen’s on the way out to pick up some aloe for later; you’re going to need it!