As the University of Louisville’s search for a new basketball coach heats up, Cardinal fans are getting a bit antsy to find out who will take over the program in this uncertain time of disparity. Considering that seemingly everyone in town has an opinion on the matter, I figured that we should throw our collective hats into the ring with a few suggestions as to who we believe might be the right guy to take UofL back to the top.
This may be an unpopular opinion, we don’t endorse Chris Mack or Eric Musselman as being legitimate candidates. We honestly don’t want Brad Stevens or Billy Donovan either. After all of the bullshit we’ve been through as a fanbase, we believe that it’s time for a radical change in how things are done around here. To hell with actual coaches, what we need is a pro wrestling manager. Yeah, that’s right.
After some careful consideration, we narrowed down our top three pro wrestling managers that we feel should be considered to be the next head coach of the Louisville Cardinals. These icons may not have any hooping experience, and he may not even be able to dribble a damned ball, but they’re certainly no stranger to producing proven winners. Read who we chose and why we chose them below.
If Paul Bearer we’re alive today, there is no question he would be the coach that Louisville needs and deserves. And if he were hired, Cardinal fans would at last be able to rest in peace. Think about it, the death penalty would have no effect on a Paul Bearer managed team. In fact, every other team would likely be buried at the end of each contest.
The Paul Bearer version of the Cardinals would rise from the ashes of their ongoing NCAA casket match. Speaking of ashes, Bearer would surely keep the ashes of the 2013 banner in his urn to harness the power of Gorgui, Russ and the gang. Alas, bringing Paul back and convincing him to coach this team might be a bigger undertaking than an outside consultant can handle.
It’s no secret that UofL is under a bit of financial duress having to pay back the NCAA for all of those tournament victories, lawyer fees, and a waning Yum! Center attendance. So why not bring in someone with bottomless pockets like Ted DeBiase aka The Million Dollar Man? Think of the possibilities! Not only could he solve the university’s monetary problems, but he could easily afford to pay top recruits in a way that would have John Calipari creaming in his pants!
We also wouldn’t have to worry about the FBI any longer. Why? Because everybody has a price, even the crooked Federal Bureau of Intelligence! Shit, we’d have them in our back pocket with the ability to release the hounds on other dirty teams caught up in nefarious activities. After releasing the dogs on notorious cheating programs like UNC, Duke and Kentucky, the playing field will be so leveled that Louisville will be back on top in no time.
Louisville’s own wrestling legend might be our front runner, as his record speaks for itself. As the manager of The Midnight Express, together they won more than 20 tag team belts in several promotions, proving themselves to be one of the most formidable tag teams in the history of professional wrestling. Imagine what he’d do with our boys in red?
More than that, now that Louisville has officially become a full blown NCAA heel, maybe it’s time we hired coach that will truly embrace our newfound bad guy attitude. How great would it be to see Corney flip off the Dukies while waving his tennis racket at Cameron Indoor? Or watching him smirk at Gary Williams in the handshake line after whoopin’ the tar out of North Carolina? Shit, he’d be worth whatever Rick Pitino was getting paid just for his pregame promos — I guarantee that ole Jim wouldn’t regurgitate the vanilla coach speak that we’ve been used to.
Who’d we miss? What do you think? Is there another wrestling manager that you feel is more deserving? Let us know in the comments! Because this is important!