MOVIE MONDAYS: Jake Hellman talks Christmas Movies and More!

Pictured Above: Jake Hellman, the newest weirdo/writer for Never Nervous

Jake Hellman is a hell of a guy. Over the years we’ve watched bands together, played in bands together, laughed and cried together, and most recently, written for Never Nervous together. If you haven’t noticed, Jake is a new writer here, and a damned good one at that. Wouldn’t you like to get to know him a little more by reading his answers to movie-related questions? Of course you would! After all, IT’S MONDAY!

NN: First, talk about your favorite movie from 2014. What was so good about it?


JH: X-Men: Days of Future Past was the shiznittle-bam-snip-snap-sack! The last X-Men movie pretty much sucked. It sucked a big one. So I didn’t watch this one until it was shown on a plane on my way to Puerto Rico. I couldn’t believe I waited to watch it. I came home and watched it again. What really made this movie were the new young actors that were involved. It made all the difference.

Never Nervous: Considering that Christmas is right around the corner, tell us about your favorite Christmas movie.


Jake Hellman: National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation is one of my favorite movies period. For me, Christmas (the holiday) is really just an excuse to watch this movie. Why do I love this movie so much? I used to sell and set up Christmas trees every year, sometimes with Mr. Olympia himself. Nothing is more fun than quoting “Christmas Vacation” while you are setting up a Christmas tree in some stranger’s house. The movie is full of one-liners like “Lotta sap in here.” and “Bend over and I’ll show ya!

In my family, even though I’m not an uncle to many, I’m kind of like that drunk uncle that makes cheesy, inappropriate one-line jokes. I’m like that dumbass uncle that has to yell out “Shitter’s full” every year. If you don’t like Christmas Vacation then all I can say is “Merry Christmas. Kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukah.”

NN: Do you have a favorite Christmas Related horror movie?


JH: I don’t know if this actually counts as horror, but I’m going with Scrooged. It’s got ghosts and shit. Bill Murray is in my top five actors. This isn’t one of my top Bill Murray movies, but if you look at the list of horror-related Christmas movies, there isn’t much worth watching. I’ve watched Jack Frost, and Silent Night, Deadly Night, but the only other Christmas horror that comes close to “Scrooged” is Gremlins. I’m not even sure “Gremlins” is horror… next question.

NN: Is there a movie that you love, but seemingly everyone you know hates?


JH: I know everyone says the plot of Godzilla had more holes than a golf course. The biggest hole in the movie is that there are three giant fucking monsters fighting and that’s not possible. I don’t care about plot holes with the Godzilla franchise. I care about giant fucking monsters fighting. This isn’t the best Godzilla movie, but it came out in 2014 and it didn’t suck.

NN: Do you have a favorite Christmas movie soundtrack?


JH: This one is a toss-up for me. I love both The Nightmare Before Christmas soundtrack and The Vince Guaraldi Trio’s A Charlie Brown Christmas. I think I have to give the edge to Nightmare on this one. It’s just more entertaining. A Charlie Brown Christmas is a beautiful soundtrack to relax to. Nightmare is good for a laugh. I always give the edge to laughing.

NN: Lastly, how much did you love or hate the infamous Star Wars Holiday Special?


JH: I’m leaning toward hate. Normally I’m the weird guy who likes this type of thing because it’s ridiculous. However, the older I get I tend to agree with one of my favorite comedians, Mike Lawrence, more and more: “Star Wars” is just an unfunny “Spaceballs.”