|Pictured above: Prior to the moment that Robot Ric Flair ate the mic.|
Atlanta, Georgia, Charlotte, North Carolina, Terminator City, Florida, Louisville, Kentucky…. I don’t care where the city is, when you know Robot Ric Flair’s in town, woo, things are taking place. Woo! You want to know what to do this weekend, well you’re talking to the rolex wearing, diamond ring wearing, kid-stealin’, super computer fuckin’, woo, wheelin’ dealin’, jet flyin’, son-of-a-gun (literally), and I’m here to tell you where to go!
First up is the Head Cleaner Compilation Release, WOO! Are you Stylin’ and Profilin’? Well the Robot Nature Boy is here to tell you that Gubbey Records 46-Song Cassette Compilation is why they are the Champion of all Local Record Labels putting out Cassette Compilations this weekend, and you’re a sucker if you don’t go, jack. So go to Modern Cult Records today at 1pm where it, woo, all starts, and you can watch Andy Matter and the Ten Wet Dollars, Adventure, and the New Bravado. Then tonight at 9pm, woo, get your rootin’ tootin’, cyberdine flex out to the New Vintage where the party continues. You get the Sandpaper Dolls. You get Whistlin’ Rufus. You get Weird Girl. You get Bus Hus. You get the DJ funk of The Cut Family Foundation. Wrestling Fans Worldwide, let’s get one thing straight, I am the president! I AM -WOO- THE PRESIDENT! If I want to stand on your neck, I’ll do it.
But that’s! Woo! Not! Woo! All! Those savage bastards at Gubbey are making this a two day event, so take a tent and camp out next to the New Vintage, because you will probably wish you were dead if you miss even one second of The Bottom Sop, The Decline Effect, Asm A Tik, or D’Arkestra. And that’s what I’m here to tell you, Hogan. That’s why I’m the robot skull havin’, Swatch wearin’, Gucci Target shoppin’, wild man that I am, because I know where the good shows are in Louisville this weekend.
Up next is this month’s C.H.I.M.E. show. Woo! What does C.H.I.M.E. mean, Savage? If you don’t go, Woo, it means Come Here I Murder Everyone. Do you like Waxeater? The Great Floods? Twenty First Century Fox? Call Me Bronco? Real Robot Men Do! Woo!
The bottom line is that if you’re a (robot) man, you don’t cry about it. You take life’s ups and downs. If you’re a real man, you never go down, you just stay up. That’s why I’m the world champion, because I once ate a man and stole his identity. That’s why this sport coat cost $800, and yours cost $200. That’s why I’m wearing lizard shoes and a Rolex watch, and I’ve got a hover limousine sitting out there a mile long with twenty five women just dying for me to go “Woo.” That’s why I’m the world champion, sucker. Get down to Nelligan Hall at 7pm! Woo!
So Hogan, one more time, I’m going to show you how to do it! I will never retire. I will retire when my circuits stop in this ring! Woo! Robot Nature Boy is still here, stylin’ and profilin’, ready to get you out there and to get rowdy, Piper! Woo! If you like good tunes, get to Lisa’s Oak Street Lounge for XOX, Blood Planet, and Slow Learner. The bottom line is that: for my whole career, I’ve always done better than anyone else, only because of one reason, I was born with golden wiring. I inherited the ability. I inherited the money. I inherited the god given best looks in the world. And with this I dress myself in ultra-suede. I dress in space cashmere. I dress myself in $100 pleated slacks. I dress myself in alligator shoes. I wear a $15,000 Rolex. I got Mercedes Benes, Rolls Royce, the biggest house, on the biggest hill, in the biggest side of town. Four times the world champion. Limousine. Bright Lights. The Ladies. This is a free show, so don’t miss out.
It’s the greatest moment of my half-life. I want to jump. I want to party. But I’ve got to tell you like this: for the Hulk Hogans, and the Macho Mans, and the Pipers, now it’s Robot Ric Flair and you all pay homage to the man! Woo!